Tuesday 26th July - Day 4
So, day one of the conference (day 4 of the trip) was full on and challenging. The day kicked off with a session by Chris Overstreet- what a guy. He was BRILL!! He talked about identity and sonship. It was really fab. It reinforced a lot of stuff I knew/ sort of knew. But also mentioned a ton of stuff I hadn't heard before. A big part of his
message was- if we don't know who we are/ our foundation is not in sonship, we start to try and perform. We don't need to perform/work for Gods love+pleasure. We already have it. We ARE his pleasure. He already loves me, whether I do anything or not. The revelation of identity comes through Gods love. It is not possible to truly love the world if we do not truly love ourselves. When we give ourselves a hard time, we give God a hard time. Its as if we're saying what He has done wasn't enough. He wants to change the way I see the world and it starts with the way I see myself. Its a revelation that doesn't happen in one go- it grows and grows everyday. Knowing I'm his daughter is exciting- it produces joy!
Even that word freaks me out since the mission school and Kevin Dedmons sessions and some of the stuff at church. Like I think someones going to try and make me laugh like a maniac. I know they won't. But I say that I'm happy for God to do whatever he likes, but inside I'm really saying "but for sure he's not going make me laugh
like a weirdo" I'm happy to be happy, But I've already decided that for me it won't come out like a crazy person. I've managed to come up with this crazy backward logic that says- I'm mental lots of the time just being myself, so for God to do something genuine and different in me, I will have a quiet joy. I even feel like I'd much rather go out and get actually wasted than get "plastered" in the Spirit. But I don't know. I hope I'll get to the point where I really am happy for God to do what He wants. The main thing that concerns me is fakeness. My worst nightmare would be for it to be put on. I want to be genuine and real. And I struggle to see maniacal laughter and genuine-ness as the same thing. I know its something I need to get over, but I'm not quite there yet. And I don't know how to get there.
We had lunch and a pasta parlour place which was yum (I had pizza!) We had been challenged to find someone to give a prophetic word or word of encouragement to over lunch. I was fairly petrified. I actually managed to tell the waitress that God loved her, thought she was beautiful and that I could totally see she had a beautiful spirit. What is a beautiful spirit?! But she seemed enouraged. Yey.
The afternoon session was Kevin Dedmon speaking on Bethel's one word mission statement: revival! And a bit of the stuff he shared while he was at the mission school in Glasgow last summer. Its really good to see him in his home setting. He makes a lot more sense when you see him as part of his team, rather than on his own. I chatted to him with Carissa and Johnny and he was RAVING about Andy. A kindred spirit I think. Or whatever the spiritual version of that is. I was fairly struggling to stay awake but what I heard was good!
The evening brought us Kris Vallotton, once again - brilliant. He spoke about Ephesions 7 at about a million miles an hour. Didn't quite get it... didn't at all get it actually. I will for sure be listening to it again... probably multiple times. The worship last night was good. We sang the "jump in the river" song. Notes from journal went thus... "I want to jump in. But I'm trying and I can't seem to get there. It feels kind of like when you've been on a trampoline and then you jump on normal ground and it's so much harder than you expect. I can hear God say "stop trying and just come" but I don't know how. All that "jump in, the waters the same" stuff annoys me. But I don't want it to. It's like "run into His presence" or "press into His face" How? Actually how? Short of running into the row infront of me - what do I do?
"There is joy in the river... there is peace in the river..." Ok, that's nice. How do I get there??! Rght after that, I kid you not, they started singing "Why so downcast oh, oh my soul? Put your hope in God alone." God on my case or what? Haha. I have to laugh at myself. But still, it doesn't make it any easier... not right now. Also was pretty fed up with the whole not being healed thing. Trying to keep soldiering on. And not get too discouraged. God is good and he doesn't change. And he wants me to be healed and he CAN heal me. I just can't help but wonder when?