Johnny's Blog

chicken dinner, The Journey home, poopy-pant and no more church.


Last day, realised I had weapons with me, fought hard and won lots! Possibly a lasting win. Winner winner chicken dinner.


Lots of people bron again, many more dunked in a pool of liquid! VERY exciting!


Home home we came. another 27 hours or something. another non-sleep job. coz its great fun not being able to sleep. Sneaked some drugs through customs, popped them when i got on the big flight hoping for a slight trip then knock-out. Didn't work. had to watch 100 movies instaed and a crap program which for some reason the Americans have called the office? Then tried to reproduce the scenes from "the office" but without any of the humour. Strange.


Free booze on the last flight. Red wine was cold so as we all do, stuck it in my crotch to warm it up. What's that mrs stuardess, you already opened it for me? ooooo dear. small drippage on the bEhind area, just enough to look like a had pleasantly soiled myself, then continued to spill a whole glass of it alll over my beautiful yellow trousers and the table and the floor and my feet and possibly the next man's feet. I laughed quite a bit then stopped laughing then drank the rest of my lovely warm red.


No more life as we know it. We all know we have to change. Learning without acting on it is legalism. Balls, that means we need to WAY TO STEP OOOOOUUUUT!

Can't wait to get back to Andy Mezza and Nick Trezza McBiggerson and our big family of Hopers.


I am now going to change my city! Anyone fancy joining in?




Fighting and Losing.

Each day I am noticing more that I didn’t trim my face hair before we came here. It’s like living in the desert with Mr Eskimo’s winter catalogue strapped to my face! Probably doesn’t help that I have hundreds of heat insulating ropes hanging off my head.

107 degrees F anyone? I think my skin has melted! The inside of the car actually heats up so if you touch it you are left with a burn scar the shape of a handle or seat belt.

Christians are a strange (annoying) invention aren’t they? Sometimes a bit like a mosquito gnawing your face while playing “I’m blue Aber dee aba dow” by Ifle 65 repeatedly and talking loudly about how cool Phil Collins is! Someone tried praying for my back today and did the classic ‘oneleglongerthantheotheroooooletsholdyouranklesandpullonelegoutsoIcanfeelbetteraboutmyself’.

I have actually SEEN God do this for real without any tricks! But this guy today, that is probably THE best way to dishonour people. And for someone who does not know Him, it does wonders to making God look like a tit. Made me sad, felt sorry for the guy.

Had another couple fights, tried and tried. Lost.


What is this?




And this? Anagram.

A Maniacal Eternal Frost



Swedes, swearing, and salvation. Not predestination.

Went out to a horrid meal with a sickeningly good-looking couple from sveeedan. Boneless chicken wings? No, clumps of processed stuff that could or could not have once been a chicken, with 40 tonnes of shoite smidged 3 inches thick on “it”. Ooo no thanks!

This Guy Chris Overstreet, he IS my new hero. A few words to describe him… Nutter. Insane. Mental in the heed. Etc. At the meeting last night he stood at the front literally SHOUTing out things over the loud band in his scary crackling voice. If you didn’t catch the odd intelligible word you’d think he was just screaming obscenities at us all. Maybe he was, that’s fine.

Salvation. A good thing.

I found out “damn” is a curse word here…after I shouted it out in church.

Predestination. Bollux, not again!

Didn’t vom yet from eating shrimps that’d been left in the car in a million degrees for the whole day. See, miracles happen here every day.

Also got into a fight. Feel better for it actually.





try    understand




Same as always people.



Honesty, “I’m going to kill you” evangelism, brave wife…church.

Wondered today if there is a God. Or if I knew Him and where the hell He’s got to. SOS’d Glasgow family.

If you want to be a leader at Bethel you have to be called Chris. They have a bit of leeway on spelling.
When Chris Overstreet looks at you, you think he is either going to eat your soul or just rip out the inside of your face! But actual he just sets your spirit on fire…with very loud, very American shouting.

My wive stepped out today, not just for milk but to tell our waitress something profound. Very proud of her!

So worship is a sacrifice? Yeah yeah I know. Oh, I didn’t actually know until today.









What is this?

Death, Bethel in the pantie shop, mike's not Mental...No Church

Slept in ‘til 8am today, dragged my headache out of bed, no painkillers. Should have prayed. Forgot about that one, we’re only here for that kind of thing.

2 bowls of pure sugar with corn syrup milk, then some 100% fat toast with cardiac arrest peanut butter and heart-attack jam then a cup of obesity-juice. Mmmmmm America.

Went to the mall to buy pants, did you know Bethel Church is the biggest employer in Redding? I think that’s pretty cool! Five undergarments for $25.00. Any day thanks.

Mike, oh poor Mike. Saw him looking pretty close to falling on his lovely looking face and whacking it off the stone curb. It would have probably have still looked lovely anyway. Didn’t tell him that, he may have talked even longer about the bagpipes. His auntie’s best friend’s dog once saw a photo of a man on the Mayflower who ate a rotten fruit from Scotland. That DOES make you Scottish you know!

Mike is a beautifully hearted guy, very loved by me and God!

Phil didn’t almost crash the car and Elli didn’t spill a 50 gallon cup of coke all over the cinema floor.

Today’s puzzle:

What is  this?


(answers on facebook)


Day 1 winner was Alan P H. have a peach mate!


Gays, eternal fries, ripped Mexican men …and church.

So Sir Kris Kristopherson Valloton gave a jolly good knees up message about man on man. Miracle – I enjoyed it! (not the man on man; the message) Listen to it if you can.

Red Robin for lunch. MENTAL! Not only did you get everlasting drink but you get a personal leprechaun at stand-by poking you with a stick reminding you that you are never allowed to run out of fries! Almost vomited at church. Enjoyed every minute of it.

 Swimming at Carissa’s on a bursting stomach. Baaaaad idea. Though I did chat to a  muscle ripped Mexican, didn’t understand a single word he said except for “braveheart!” I just said things like “yeah man” and “ha ha ha”. Seemed to keep him happy.

More church. Prayer meeting first, but more like a druid ceremony round a stone circle without the stone. Loved it, God walked with me. Oh Danny Boy Silk speaking this time. Stopped listening after 20 minutes, good job coz he carried on for another 17.5 hours. Phil saw it through.

Today’s puzzle:

The day before two days after the day before tomorrow is Saturday.

What day is it today?

(answers on facebook)


Fog horns, eagles, automatically changing disposable toilet seats… and church.

Airport yesterday…the girls came and told us about some amazing toilet happenings, Phil and I couldn’t resist. Picture this – you wave but a hand over the lavatory, a cheeky clean new plastic tube covering the seat sneaks its way out onto your bottom’s resting area, taking the last man’s dirty old plastic bottom comforter with it to be disposed of. Now that is why we travelled 7811.7 kilometres, 28 hours and no freakin’ sleep!
I saw 4 eagles today all flying together. The other 3 humans with me say they are seagulls. Damn!

Healing room – wacky! but pretty cool. 2 dancers doing dances. A small lady blowing a long animal horn in peoples’ faces. VERY glad she didn’t notice me, I’d have pretended to be dead or something, or act like I was about to vomit. Didn’t have to do either.

Church. Nothing yet.

Today’s puzzle:
“Boiled Lid” -
Who’s name is this an anagram of? (answers on facebook)


Welcome to my blog. This month me, Elli, Phil and Lizzie are going to back to Bethel church in America.

Here I'll talk about my experiences and what I'm looking forward to when we get back.


Please feel free to leave comments or questions.